An A in swimming certificates

Thailand, Pattaya,
09-02-2010.

As a farther you are supposed to smother your newly born infant with love, grab at any opportunity to cradle her in your arms and let the delicious smell of her hair enter your nostrils, intoxicate you with admiration and pride...a small little baby who needs all the loving care in the world...

It took me nearly a year after Joy's birth before I returned to this Asian realm and many years as well as the birth of a Luuk-Chay two years later to realise I am definetely not born to be a father...my little obsessions with the more divinely forbidden pleasures of life like a big huge wall between me and parenthood...

Sitting here on the boulevard with my first born Joy I am once more reminded of my plight that in itself has become an even greater plight of those around me...not that that is much of a problem in a country whose natural genome must be hugely enriched by a sheer number of mixed race babies - Leuk Krueg in Thai, but then if you have been following this blog for a while you surely picked up some Thai by now...

Those responsible with not such fat wallets anymore at the end of yet another s*x induced trip and burned skin, Choi-Choi and with a general good mood on the way back to Ancient Europe, a capitalist lackey for the next ten or eleven months or so, saving up their dough for the next trip, never caring at all what has been left behind...

I presume I should be less vintictive and more self inflicting considering I have for years now refused Joy my sister's telephone number, address or E-mail, nor do I wanna give her Amanda's particulars though Joy is convinced that Little Charlotte - my third born in Amsterdam - is the living incarnate of her uncle and my best friend Jamie...the Thai's superstitition if not at times frightening in itself must be admired...

Still, I hand her over all the photos of her half sister that I have kept in my wallet these last four years hoping thereby that their absence from my life will relieve me of my Western trained Guild Complex that keeps growing and growing and refuses to be drowned in a ocean of Alcohol and marijuana induced oblivition...but always back in the morning with a vengance that convinces me all my worries and guild feeling must have an A in swimming certificates