Behavioural software

Holland, Amsterdam,
06-05-2010.

I feel a bit like my mind is programmed from birth, everything predetermined like behavioural software installed on my computer the day I bought it from the second-hand computershop...

But still the thoughts going through my mind are very real to me, a bit like viruses going through the aforementioned installed software, topics that matter to me in my life but that depress me and are therefore not exactly benign to me, more like a malignant cancer cell eating itself through my coprporal body but than inside my gray brain mass...

Since I don't believe in God, Allah, Manitoe or whatever you might call this Higher Being, there is also no heaven to me, no refuge for those that were close to me and have departed to another plain of excistence, an excistence where there is Nada the way I see it, just a graveyard where you mortal remains take about an avarage of ten years - coffin included - to rot away, food for the beetles and wurms, ashes to ashes and dust to dust, no Kingdom Come for the spiritual part of your mental afterword....

So when I depart myself there will be no reunion with Jamie, with Martine, no close encounter with Ohn or Moo, zilch and nothing...maybe I have to return to my religious studies, back to comparing different believes, back to the study of theology, maybe back to my roots in order to figure out why Ohn and Moo torment my dreams and waking day time present...they and all the others...why I keep painting Lord Buddha obsessively, why my thoughts return to those that once were close to me and are now dust, cold wurm eaten bodies six feet under or a few handfull dusty remains after the tradional Thai creamation at a local Wat...

Still...I feel like I am slowly coming out of my crazy depression set about by Miss Ohn's painfull death three months ago, a death notice I banished from my Farang mind while touring Southeat Asia but came back with a vengeance once back in my beloved Amsterdam...

My Mandal agames sell well again, faster as I can make them...sun in my face and money in my pocket..save it up for my next trip to King Bhumipol's Asian Realm...wonder if the guy will still be around when next I set foot on his holy soil....